Sayli talks about food being an old acquaintance, being there for her on bad days more than good days. Her relationship with it kept changing over time, today, she is friends, the kind that pulls pranks sometimes but is mostly there for each other.
My relationship with food. I don't remember the first time I heard the phrase. But I remember thinking, 'what a pretentious thing to say'. What does that even mean? There's only one kind of emotion I felt for food - Love.
I'd eat, sometimes mindlessly, sometimes simply because it tasted good. There's often the 'eat to live' or 'live to eat' argument that comes up, and I think I was on the latter side. I saw food as a reward, like enjoyment, as something that had to excite, stimulate, or entertain me in some ways.
As a kid, I'd come back from school and look forward to lunch. But if it wasn't something I ate (pulses, fish, or potatoes) then I'd throw a tantrum, I'd starve myself as an act of rebellion, and sleep to deal with the hunger. Now when I look back, maybe it was a way to get attention, have control, to make sure I was loved, maybe I didn't know another way.
For some reason, my parents never bought me treats, mom would make most of the dishes at home and often boasted about how the pizza from everywhere else was just chewy bread anyway. We didn't buy chips or chocolates. I never grew particularly fond of them. I still don't lust after either. Over time I felt like chips were a way to keep your mouth munching. Maybe that's just me. I didn't like the feeling after eating a bag of chips.
We'd occasionally eat vada pav, and I remember being made fun of. They'd say how one vada-pav was eating another. I was also told how I was growing horizontally as opposed to vertically. Maybe these were attempts at policing what I ate, but I was too much in love. It never affected me. Maybe the joy of eating was far greater compared to the hurt from these comments.
As I went to college, it opened up a new door. Food now also meant socialization. Food meant sitting with your friend and munching on fries. A very dear friend introduced me to McDonald's, and we'd often go to eat burgers and fries. As a child, McDonald's was a big no -no. We only ate it once, because mom wasn't home and dad wanted to treat us.
McDonald's trips became such a natural part of college life. I think a bunch of times, I'd eat because of peer pressure, the unsaid kind. Maybe I wanted to seem cool. I also had friends that were kind enough to pick up my food bills when I wasn't able to and they'd never mention it. But it made me conscious of what or how much I could eat during these chill sessions.
We spend most of our degree college days fetching food from the canteen. Living off the limited menu and cribbing about how there wasn't enough on it. Ordering the same sandwich repeatedly and watching as he put all the ingredients together to create that masterpiece. I couldn't wait to stuff my face with it. I'd often tell my canteen buddy, how I'd faint/ die/ or just drop if he didn't make it any sooner. We'd joke about how much butter I'd want to eat.
Carrying dabbas was uncool unless you had something cool that mom made for everyone. I don't remember too many dabba memories, except those few occasions when I'd convince mom to make maggi for my tiffin, and it would probably take days before she'd agree. And then I couldn't wait to eat it. I usually would, in between the class before the break even began.
Part of me always craved for food that I was denied. Maybe it felt like an act of rebellion, the forbidden fruit. But I also knew I couldn't eat it when it wasn't on my plate. In hindsight, it also feels like I couldn’t trust myself around food. Or I was made to believe that. I don’t know if this was generalized to other things or if the generalized mistrust was applied to food too.
My relationship with food has always been complex. However, I don't find the phrase pretentious anymore. I went from eating maggi for breakfast at work (because it took 10 minutes to cook in the office microwave and I had perfected the technique over time) to someone who began ordering salads at restaurants. From overstuffing myself with every meal to eating just enough for my body.
No, I’m not talking about losing weight or going down to size. This was about me fixing how I felt about food, how I saw it. It went from being entertainment or a source of stimulation to nutrition. I do still have days when I eat for one of the former reasons, but I’m more mindful of it now. I think about how it feels after eating food, and the question is, do I want to feel that way?
About Sayli (She/Her):
Sayli is a therapist and a young diabetic. She believes food is nourishing for us both mentally and physically. She is passionate about mental health and making it accessible. She likes running, adventure, and dogs!
You can find her on her Instagram
Comments